so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
