definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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