who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
