if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
