we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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