Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
