I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
