I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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