All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
