If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
