he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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