my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
