When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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