im six kinds of drunk right now
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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