***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
