i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
