You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
