the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
zippers are such a cool invention
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
