I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
worst night to have a conscience
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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