We need to rekindle our bromance
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
