I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
