Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
