roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
