youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
