Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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