At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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