This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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