Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You took a bar mat shot.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
