If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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