so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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