I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
did i walk over a car last night?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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