Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
