you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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