I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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