I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
