Can i not drive my cunt home
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
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