I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
