Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
