I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize