38 yer olds are good kisserssss
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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