Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
