Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
