when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
