WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
