turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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