I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
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You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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