I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Your cock deserves a montage
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.