If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.