Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
