I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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