I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
