hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
