you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
