I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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