remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
