i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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