you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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