my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
