i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
