It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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