dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I smell like Dick and happiness
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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