I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
