She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
