I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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