Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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