my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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